If you haven't already noticed. This page primarily concerns itself with the nature of RECOVERY. So if you are ADDICTED in any way, and have found this page, Please give yourself a break and read it.
I have chosen to share with you "Those who think they may or may not have a problem with addiction" my experience Strength and hope. I would like to first say that this is only my personal experience and I only speak for myself and not as a representative for any of the twelve step fellowships I will be making referrence to.
I found myself hoplessly and helplessly addicted some Five years ago and was blessed to find relief through the twelve step recovery process. I was introduced to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous and in that fellowship met people like myself who were now living without it being necessary to alter their mood with the use of drugs. As I had done for the better portion of my life. At that time I didn't think it was possible to live and enjoy life without using some substance to enhance my mood, Which always needed enhancing. I had been feeling traped by the life I was living and thought death was the only way out. I remember one night after having stolen a pair of diamond ear rings from my mother to get drugs feeling totally in the grip of a destructive power greater than myself. I sat alone all night trying to figure a way out. The answer had actually come in the beginning of this, the longest night of my life. At some point I cried LORD PLEASE HELP ME. I know today that that was my first sincere prayer. I had bargained many times before with god, Never offering Him anything. It usually went something like " If you Just let me come down this time I'll never use again, or if you just get me through this night I'll never drink again, Or please god don't let me get sick" Only to use again the next day. I remember a friend of mine sharing with me some years before this how he had gotten involved with crack cocain, and how it had changed his life. He describe the progression of the desease and the different stages as thay had occured in his life. I though he must have been weak and just couldn't handle it. When I started using within a year of his telling me of his ordeals with crack. I imediately recoginized the symtoms as they begin to manafest themselves in my life. And just as with my friend I was unable to break the cycle once it started, This vicious cycle. I had known for some time that I needed help, but each time I thought of seeking help it was quickly followed by the thought of getting more drugs. The thought of getting more druge always won out. After using I would again think of getting help, but always tomorrow. There were times when I thought that if I could only stop using My life would be so much better. At this point I was working a full time job Mon-Fri. I would do landscaping on the weekend and I also held a part time job. every dime I earned went towards the purchase of drugs, Along with what ever I could steal, beg or borrow. My whole life and thinking was centered in drugs by this time, The getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. As I said earlier while in treatment for drug addiction I was introduced to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous and the Twelve steps. I was told to attend ninety meetings in ninety days, get a sponsor and work the Steps. All of these things were new to me and frightening. I heared others share how they had worked the steps and yet they were in treatment again for the same thing. They talked about how much worse it was to go back to using after finding recovery. But in many cases had gone back several times. I begin to notice some simuliarities in their sharing. While they had worked the steps and attended meetings, they All stoped doing these things before they started using again. Since I didn't really plan in the beginning to stop using entirely anyway, I thought I was surely destined to use again also. But remember I said the answer had come during that long night of torment, "LORD PLEASE HELP ME". I was told that 100% of the people that want to recover can recover. And that all I needed to do was to not pick up and my life would get better. Now that's what I really wanted. God has a since of humor. I was told that I would have to be "HONEST, OPENMINDED AND WILLING" and here is why.
After working these steps with a sponsor, (Some one who seems reasonably happy and has a working knowledge of the twelve steps) I noticed a drastic change in my attitude towards life. "I no longer blamed People, Places, and Things for my addiction. I had learned to accept life on lifes terms. And was given the ability to face my problems and my feelings. Today I am continualy blessed in my recovery. I now sponsor people and in an effort to give back what has been freely given have been afforded uninterrupted recovery since my introduction to the program. I am truly grateful to the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous for it's committment to helping the still suffering addict. Today I have a share in a purpose and a purpose in sharing.
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